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Is your marriage stuck in a rut?
Learn how to add substance to your humdrum life
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 Well, if it is... don't worry. You are not alone. This is a very common situation. Initially, everything is exciting. Then comes the phase of shock and disappointment... when we start to discover the weaknesses of our "dream" spouse. And then - if we are innovative and enthusiastic people - we make the effort to accept our partner as they are, and get back to our own life-development. It is this last phase which is trickiest and most challenging... but also most rewarding if properly done.
I have often mentioned before, how the media raises unreasonable expectations of marriage. That, coupled with how typical weddings are made, to be so larger-than-life, launches you on "Cloud Nine" at the beginning of your wedded life.
But like anything in life you ultimately get, out of your marriage, what you put into it. Here's a few points to add not only some spice, but also some substance to your humdrum life.
First of all, take a break. Both of you. But NOT together. Separately. Alone. Go somewhere where no one knows you and make friends. Rediscover yourself. And nature. And what a de-stressed life actually feels like. Maybe trekking, river-rafting, rock-climbing. Something you have never done before. It may take effort at first - being alone in a new environment - but go through all those hitches and take up the challenge whole-heartedly. Determine to discover new aspects to the infinite you. And then, when you get back... you have so much to talk about! Even if (actually, especially if) the trip was a disaster, trust me, you will end up valuing each other much more.
Next, take a trip together. Again, something wild. Radically different. Be creative in planning the escapade. It doesn't have to be a 5-star luxury resort in the Maldives (yawn). Something adventurous. Like back-packing through the deserts of Rajasthan. Or a teerth to Badrinath-Kedarnath. Something that actually scares you at some level. Or go to a health resort where you can actually enhance your physical and mental capacities and come back better-off than when you left.
If you have already tried these options then it's time for you to dig deeper. Take a step back from your life and look at it from a top-angle. Where are you? What do you want? What did you want when you got into this relationship? Where were you disappointed / disillusioned? What actually excites you as a person? Something that, over the years, you find you can never tire of, no matter what? Often, it is because we have become bored or uninspired with ourselves that our relationships become stagnant.
But being bored is not the correct way of going through life. We are essentially dynamic, growth-oriented, and creative beings. But too much of materialistic living (trying to squeeze happiness out of matter) dulls our senses and our spirits. Rejuvenate yourself by being around cheerful, high-confidence, stimulating people. Think, dream, hope, experiment. By understanding and working at yourself-your dreams, your hopes, your craziest ambitions - you can bring zest and zeal back in your life... and that joy will spill over into your marriage (and even your work!).
I have a friend who is so full-of-life that it's unbelievable. She's 42, got two grown children and a thriving business...but she is absolutely determined to enjoy life no matter what. She works out daily, keeps herself in great shape, enjoys her own beauty, and is always fascinated by other people and what they make of this thing called life. She just recently started taking singing lessons (a childhood passion), and...hold your breath for this one...KATHAK LESSONS!! Mujhe tho sunke sharam aa gayi. I mean, I'm ten years younger than her and I could never dream of doing something like that!! You think her husband is still interested in her? You bet. She is so spontaneous and excited that she attracts attention like a magnet from all others around her.
Dig deep into your passions and interests, and you will find the child-you're hiding there. In fact, childhood / young adulthood is a very good clue to what you are and what you want out of life. You will be surprised to discover that what you were, when you were twelve, is what you still are somewhere inside you. Did you ever want to learn how to play a certain instrument? Or painting? Or Chinese martial arts? French, Italian, Spanish? Get out and do it now. Oui!! Being a student will be a bit humiliating at first, as our adult egos have gone completely out of whack (which is actually the main problem to begin with, but I digress). Eventually you will start to feel like a newborn-baby... pink, fresh, wide-eyed and brand spanking new with a whole wide world out there to discover.
Now you're probably wondering what this has to do with your marriage. Not much. And that's my point. By definition, certain relationships become a bit hum-drum after time. The same thing which gives us much required "stability" and "security" becomes "predictable" and "routine". That's human nature. Wanting to have your cake and eat it too. If you understand, accept and be able to laugh at this basic predicament... you will then be able to use the strong base that your marriage gives you to freak-out with yourself (which is a much better option than sitting around and sulking about what a rut your marriage is in - and then trying to find answers in random articles like these!).
The crucial point here is this: the onus lies on each individual to make their own lives fulfilling, dynamic and inspiring. If not only the married partners, but also every member of the family should take charge of his or her destiny. The family automatically becomes a vibrant symphony of many hues and textures...with lots to talk about and learn from each other.
So you know what that means...
It's the time to...
GET ON WITH LIFE!!
Happy experimenting!
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Ruby K Bhatia
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